ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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