2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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