I wish I could teleport
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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