dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
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Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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