Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
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i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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