I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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