apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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