you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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