He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
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Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
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Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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