I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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