apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
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Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
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I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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