never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
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At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
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It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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