I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
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I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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