Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
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You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
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The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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