textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
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I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
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I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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