it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
that may or may not have been my penis.
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