I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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