my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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