this beer tastes like vomit already
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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