i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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