i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
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There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Boobs speak an international language.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
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Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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