I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
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So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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