I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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