Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
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Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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