So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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