how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
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the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
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just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize