Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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