guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
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I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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