The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
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I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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