the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
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AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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