The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
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I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
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Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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