I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
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do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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