my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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