Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize