You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Four minutes until I can fart!
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize