I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
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It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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