I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
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On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
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Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
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Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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