While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
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She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
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...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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