I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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