I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
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Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
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So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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