life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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