Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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