Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
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heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
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Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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