Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
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Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
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He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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