Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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