i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
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the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
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apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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