When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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