I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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