there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
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Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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