I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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